5 MYTHS ABOUT SECURE ATTACHMENT

1. Secure attachment is boring Sure, in comparison to the intense infatuation and high-low rollercoaster of love addiction, fight and f*^k cycles, and the anxious-avoidant dance, secure attachment can seem boring. Sobriety is always going to be boring, at first, to an addict. Yet the depth of love that evolves out of feeling safe, stable and consistent reveals such subtleties, such refinement that we become connoisseurs of intimacy. Passion is lust with heart. Secure attachment contains the realism of passion. Versus the over-fantasised caricature of intimacy that is actually lust. --- 2. You can become secure on your own You can definitely set the stage and provide a fertile garden for the opportunity of security to flourish in. You can do self-work, work with therapists and coaches, study programs, read, regulate your nervous system and all of it is wonderful. The final layers, however, will need an-other. It’s easy to be secure when single. Many people fall into this trap, believing that the stability and security they feel in the current solo-venture will simply and effortlessly be carried through into coupledom. And then shrivel with shame at the shock that, no… it doesn’t quite work like that. That’s a good thing though! Becoming secure is a journey, and it’s a beautiful one to walk with a worthy mate. --- 3. You can become secure in less than a year Careful of this one lest it bite you in the ass. Oh how wonderful when you’ve done some work and you enter that new relationship and loudly proclaim “I’ve done it! I’m secure! Look how wonderful and stable and loving we are!” as you do the workshops and the practices and talk through everything, and it is wonderful … for the first 6 months. And then the attachment system actually kicks in. And all your stuff comes up. All your projections and fears. The deep layers of perceived abandonment and all the unconscious and dysfunctional ways you protect yourself. Then the work truly begins. Becoming secure is 2-5 years of solid work with a partner. It’s not a walk in the park. The rewards are so worth it though. The only people I’ve met who have believed they have done it quicker, are usually single again in under a year. --- 4. Secure means there are never any issues ever again That’s just a fairytale fantasy, do yourself a favour and cut it out right now. The reality is a relationship is two (or more, especially if there are kids involved) sovereign beings with their own values and needs and desires and goals and dreams attempting to navigate a life together. That’s not an easy task. You will discover places of incoherence and conflict, challenges and disagreements, places that need to adjust. You will have to live with consideration of another person at all times. Win-win-win solutions are always available for those with the elegance to stay in the discomfort of discovery. But there will always be challenges, that’s just part of life. --- 5. "I'm secure but they aren't" Oh this one is sure to ruffle some feathers! If you are dating insecure people, and they are acting insecure with you, then you are insecure. Just because you can diagnose every single issue they have, doesn’t mean you don’t have any. For those who love to proclaim their security to the world as they blow up one relationship after another… you aren’t secure. Do yourself a favour and admit it, and knuckle in for the real work of humility, before it goes on too long and you ruin your own life. Truly secure people date secure people. And for those truly secure people who happen to date insecure, it’s actually very easy to heal with them… because a secure person won’t trigger you. You won’t feel anxious with them because they don’t have one foot out the door. You won’t get avoidant with them, because they won’t be all up in your face. And they certainly WON’T be diagnosing your problems to you. We can’t evolve without humility, and you won’t become truly secure and actually have a lasting relationship without it either. ~Damien Bohler