I just posted something about men’s need for respect, admiration and trust.

“Yeah but most men are bad” (or some variation of). "A man shouldn't need these things, he should be them" The context that seems to be missed here is that I’m talking about relationship. Men in relationship need to feel valued, loved and appreciated in the relationship because if they don’t feel that way in relationship, what is the purpose of continuing to invest? Who wants to give their time and energy to a place they don’t feel valued? “Yeah but… if they aren’t being trustable then they shouldn’t expect trust…” This is a tricky line to toe. Because we all enter into relationship with wounds and insecurities and most people are genuinely good people trying to find their way through their shit with the limited tools they have access to. Very few people were taught good relationship tools. There is a two-way effect between the rise of positive qualities and the recognition of positive qualities. A chicken and egg scenario. You see... what we water, is what grows. If we water fruit trees or flowers then eventually our garden becomes filled with fruit and flowers. If we water weeds, then we get weeds. If we don’t water at all, we get dry grass and dirt. Appreciation is the water of a relationship. What you water is what grows. If a man is, or wants to be, more masculine relationally - then the love language that feeds the growth of his masculine essence in the relationship is respect, admiration and trust. Seeing these things in him is what makes those things grow. Of course the seeds have to be there in order for the=at tree to grow. But if the seeds weren’t there, then that’s the woman’s fault for ever entering into a relationship with a man that she could not respect, admire or trust. And yes… EVERYONE wants to be respected, admired and trusted… AND everyone has a masculine in them. Seeing and appreciating these things grows the masculine essence in whoever is receiving them. A woman who is repeatedly told “I trust you” (rather than "I adore you") by her partner doesn’t get softer. She may feel valued for the quality of trustability she has… but it doesn’t enhance her feminine. Similarly the feminine (in all of us) tends to respond to a particular kind of appreciation - adoration, cherishing and being seen in her radiance. A woman who doesn’t receive this from a partner starts to wilt. What point is there in focusing on her light, her brightness and her openness if it isn’t seen or valued by her man? Yet a woman who does receive this kind of attention and appreciation from a partner naturally and easily becomes brighter, softer, more open. What we water is what grows. A lot of couples that come to me in relationship distress… a lot of the time their difficulties can be brought down to this single issue: They have spent more time focusing on each others’ flaws than on appreciating each others’ gifts. It’s a subtle yet vicious downward spiral… and it starts so small. The dishes weren’t put away… and suddenly that’s the most important thing that matters and negates every other possible beneficial contribution he makes. That’s the thing that receives the ire and the criticism and the disappointment. The dishes extend outwards from there, and soon all she can see is everything he ISN'T doing… and nothing he IS. And soon enough he stops trying… and what she focused on became a reality. Or he stops noticing her smile, or the way she does her hair, or the little things she does constantly around the house to make it function smoothly. Basically… he stops noticing her at all. And soon enough she stops caring about how she looks. The things she does around the house become chores she is resentful for rather than things she delights in. It happen so so subtly, one little missed opportunity to appreciate at a time. Because the thing about appreciation is that it causes an increase in value. When an investment appreciates, it goes up in value. When a relationship is filled with appreciation, it goes up in value. The choice is always there… Do I choose to focus on how they should *earn* my appreciation? Or do I give it because that’s what I want more of from them? One grows fruits and flowers. The other grows weeds and dust. ~ Damien Bohler (written by a human)