There is a new pandemic that hardly anyone talks about

This pandemic is called: sexless marriage. And it affects more people than you may know. It doesn't start with fever or visible symptoms, but with a mute no – a no to touch, a no to sex, a no to proximity.
For years you've been hearing the same sentences: "She never wants to", "Since the children are here, it's embarrassing", "Women lose interest". But in the meantime, a new, hardly noticed trend is emerging: More and more women seek sexual advice not because they don't feel the desire anymore, but because their partners no longer show sexual interest - the no comes more often from men today.
This no is not necessarily an expression of anger or disinterest in the partner as a human, but often stems from a depth within that even the man cannot clearly state.
But what if you want to - and he doesn't? no sex, no caressing, no kissing, no visible desire. You're sitting there wondering, what did I do wrong? And there's not even an escape anymore, only silence. Nothing at all.
What exactly is a sexless marriage?
She is not given if both are little in the mood, when going through a challenging phase together, or when closeness is experienced in a different way. But it happens when one wants closeness, the other consistently refuses them for a long time - regardless of how often you address it, how hard you try, or how much understanding you show.
It's not about the lack of sex, it's about the lack of sexual connection.
Why is this happening?
Because humans are not machines. Sexuality is often the first thing that disappears when something's wrong inside.
Possible reasons for this may be hormonal imbalances - such as a lack of testosterone or low oestrogen levels. Sexual drive is not a matter of will. Hormones like testosterone, oestrogen, dopamine, and oxytocin play a crucial role. The result can be: less sexual desire, little arousal, difficulty in orgasm or no physical need for closeness - even when emotional love is present. And that goes for both men and women.
Other causes may include: chronic stress, depression, emotional exhaustion, unrecognized sexual orientation, body image issues and shame, medication side effects, long-term injuries that have never been spoken, difference in intimacy or loss of erotic gaze at the partner. Often the process starts sneaking off. Then there will be silence. Then resigned. And finally, an internal standstill occurs.
What does that do with women?
You're working. U remain loyal . You're trying to understand him. You don't want to break anything. But on the inside... are you breaking. What's going on inside you?
In the beginning there is understanding. Patience then. Consideration. But eventually it becomes quiet inside you - not peaceful, but resignation. You're asking yourself, am I still beautiful enough? Did I ask for too much? Is it my fault ?
You starting to hide . First your body . Then your need. Then yourself.
And what does that do to your self image?
Insecurity, feeling of rejection, loss of self-worth, frustration, emotional fluctuations and a deep loneliness arise - despite partnership. Because sexuality is not a bonus. She is part of connection. She's not everything - but when she's missing completely, something changes. In the nervous system. In the psyche. In everyday life.
The consequences can be: loneliness, feelings of inferiority, physical insecurity, mood swings, sleep disorders and a deep feeling of not being seen anymore - not existing as a woman.
Some are internally cut off from their own desires. Others get lost in hyperfunctioning. Again others are hardened emotionally. Almost everyone at some point asks themselves the central question: Is it still a relationship - or just living together?
And what does that do with men?
Men suffer too - even if they rarely admit it. Many of them, who no longer show sexual desire, no longer have access to their bodies. Shame. Terrified of failure. Unresolved issues in relation to proximity. Some don't feel their sexuality anymore. Others are burdened with external and internal demands. And many are deeply ashamed - because "men should always want."
The consequences? Withdrawal, irritability, self-doubt, physical symptoms such as erectile disorders or loss of libido, psychological symptoms such as depression or anxiety disorders.
Important to know: Studies show that too rare ejaculation increases health risks – for example prostate cancer. So sex is not only emotionally relevant but also physically.
What's missing from the act?
Oxytocin - the so-called binding hormone. It pours out in hugs, touches and orgasm. It strengthens trust, bond and emotional closeness. Without physical closeness, the emotional one often collapses. You still live together - but not with each other anymore.
You're a Team. Parents. Partners in everyday life. But no more lovers.
What to do when you want to stay - but need closeness?
Stop judging yourself for it. Your desire to be close is healthy. Don't be selfish.
Seek the conversation - not to fight, but to understand. Say what you feel - without criticism. For example: "I miss touch", "I feel rejected", "I crave intimacy - not only sexually but emotionally as well".
Ask him what's going on inside him - but not in an accusative tone, but with real frankness: "Are you comfortable in your body?" ", "Is there something you're missing - or is it too much? ", "Do you want to talk to someone about it? "
Get support - whether it's through couples therapy, sex counseling, or one-on-one talk. Not as a rescue attempt - but as a common opening.
Give yourself time - but not forever. Change requires patience. But also a clear internal limit.
When should you seriously think about breaking up?
Not as a threat, but as an honest, mature consideration. Seven clear signs can give you direction:
1. He consistently refuses any conversation - no exchange, no interest, no self-reflection.
2. There are additional massive relationship topics like emotional coldness, devaluation or violence.
3. You have completely different sexual needs - and no one moves towards the other.
4. There was infidelity - and it was not processed.
5. Communication is permanently disturbed - there is no more emotional contact.
6. You're losing yourself - physically, emotionally, mentally.
7. Connection is dead on all levels - no romance, no conversation, no closeness, no perspective.
You can give up many things - but when your whole being dies inside because you no longer feel yourself, it is no longer love, but self-sacrifice.
Can a marriage survive without sex?
Yes - if both can live with it. When emotional closeness, friendship and tenderness are present. When it's clear for both that sexuality is not the center of it.
But:
If one suffers - and the other ignores it - then it's not a partnership. Then an unspoken power coup occurs.
If you need closeness, then talk.
If you feel pain, take it seriously.
When you lose yourself - then stop.
Sometimes time helps.
Sometimes therapy helps.
Sometimes new rituals help.
And sometimes only goodbye helps.
But what never helps: silence.
If you recognize yourself in all of this, start somewhere. Not perfect. Not loud. But for real. So you can live again - and not just function.
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