"There is NO WAY I could talk about this to my wife- She'd lose her shit"

It's a shadow with many women that I often see men trying to address and speak to, but few women seem to be able to take it in. (And yes, many men are emotionally volitile too, so this applies to all genders really, but I think it is spoken to when it shows up in men often but rarely when it's the women) It's easy to ask for, want or even demand safety in a relationship, but something we often miss is how unsafe a lot of men feel in their relationship due to womens emotional reactivity or volatility. Men will rarely SAY they feel unsafe because it's associated with weakness, but it IS a form of unsafety they feel. There are a lot of women asking for men to be more vulnerable and honest, but if a truth is shared that is uncomfortable, he is attacked and shamed. She spins out, everyone becomes dysregulated and more and more he learns he isn't safe to share his truth. He tried to share a desire, a need or a boundary and is met with such an intense emotional response time and time again that eventually, he gives up. It's not worth the fight, not worth the drama. He doesn't want to upset her, so he shuts down more and more over time. And resentment builds. The relationship becomes inauthentic. Repression starts to happen, Eros is blocked.... She gets mad at him that he's backing down and pulling away, not realising the part she played in this dynamic. Safety in relationship is a 2 way street. To be a 'safe' partner we need to learn to hear uncomfortable truths and to be with the charge and heat without blowing it up. We need to show our partners that it's ok for them to share what is true and real for them, to invite it and be with their truth and stay connected in it, even when it's not what we want to hear. This is another person, a partner, they will have conflicting needs and desires at times. We don't have to like what they say, we don't have to always end up meeting the desire if it's not aligned for the relationship, but there should be space to speak it. And in the women's movement, there is often the talk of "You're not too much! He just needs to step up!" but how often do we bring up the mirror to women when the 'too much' is not to shame who they are, but to point to a weaponising of emotionality and an immaturity in the practice of equanimity. Maybe the 'Too much' is not about your personality but your reactivity... One of the deepest desires and needs of humans in relationship is to have a sanctuary, a space where they can be seen and loved for who they are. To be able to hold someone in who and what they are, as 'other' with feelings and thoughts we don't always like, we need to learn to manage our emotions. Sure, an ocassional reactive response every now and then will happen, we can't help but hit these sore points sometimes, but if every time someone brings up an uncomfortable truth there is a major reaction then it's a sign there is work to do. When I work with individuals and couples on this we explore it in a few ways. - Working with 'Emotional Alchemy' and healthy ways to relate to the intense energy of emotional energy so that we can stay grounded - Communication practices that allow us to speak our truth in ways that minimise the chance of being misunderstood or triggering others - Somatic, medatitve partnered practices where we stay deeply connected and synchronised as we share and notice what comes up - Co-regulation when we're getting fired up and need to stop talking and ground our bodies. There are ways that we can shift the way we react to intense situations and build our capacity to respond lovingly instead. There are ways we can share and create a safe space for our edgy truths to be met with love and compassion rather than reactivity.
There are ways you can release that built-up tension that has accumulated and build a more honest, free and loving relationship if you're both comitted!!! ~Luna Agneya
Art: same